Sunday, July 26, 2009
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Same place, same time... the outcome??
Once upon a time I had this friend - I don't remember exactly HOW we know each other but we do. Over the course of about four years we got to know each other mostly over e-mail. There were arguments and disagreements - just like any friendship, but there were also intimate times full of "I feel like I know you really well - I wish we were in the same place at the same time!" Over the years, we went through bouts of not talking followed by longer periods of time with amazing communication. My friend has always been in the back of my mind - always.
The other day, I was talking to a friend who posed a problem to me with person she's been dating. They went to college together and dated but broke up shortly after college ended. While on a business trip, she bumped into her long-lost love very randomly. After an exchange of pleasantries, he asked her out and they've been together for a year ... all long distance. She tells me that through the years, they kept in touch through e-mail but she never thought she'd see him again. He was always in the back of her mind. Her problem: HE WAS ALWAYS IN THE BACK OF HER MIND. He used to e-mail her with words that made her feel warm and fuzzy inside and confided in her that he regretted breaking her heart.
Lately, they've been having problems. Where does a relationship go when two people are in different places (physically) but in the same place (emotionally)? Do you wait it out until someone gives in and either moves or breaks up with you? She asked for my advice and all I could think was "holy sh*t, my friend and I are in the same place (location wise) at the same time and nothing is happening!!!" While most people would tell my friend that communication and friendship are KEY in ANY relationship - I was blunt and said "do you want to move?" Her response was "in this economy?? Are you crazy? How would I find another job??"
When it came down to it, I told her that based on her response to a simple question she had TWO choices: stick it out because she has the second chance that most people would kill for OR break up with him and find someone closer to home. The reality is simple: he's been in the back of her mind since graduation - why give up on that? She spent years comparing him to other men she's dated and those relationships have floundered because of this. He spent countless e-mails apologizing and admitting that he loved her BEFORE they got re-acquainted. Why give up on it? If there is a will, there is a way and they may have found a way to work things out.
My theory on long distance relationships is this: you can live down the street from your significant other and never see them. You can be living with them and have different schedules. However, living in two different cities forces you to either move along with things and figure out if this person is right for you or try to find someone closer in proximity. It's all in what you make of it - if you spend years with that person in the back of your mind, your answer should be pretty clear.
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right ... has anyone ever experienced this?
The other day, I was talking to a friend who posed a problem to me with person she's been dating. They went to college together and dated but broke up shortly after college ended. While on a business trip, she bumped into her long-lost love very randomly. After an exchange of pleasantries, he asked her out and they've been together for a year ... all long distance. She tells me that through the years, they kept in touch through e-mail but she never thought she'd see him again. He was always in the back of her mind. Her problem: HE WAS ALWAYS IN THE BACK OF HER MIND. He used to e-mail her with words that made her feel warm and fuzzy inside and confided in her that he regretted breaking her heart.
Lately, they've been having problems. Where does a relationship go when two people are in different places (physically) but in the same place (emotionally)? Do you wait it out until someone gives in and either moves or breaks up with you? She asked for my advice and all I could think was "holy sh*t, my friend and I are in the same place (location wise) at the same time and nothing is happening!!!" While most people would tell my friend that communication and friendship are KEY in ANY relationship - I was blunt and said "do you want to move?" Her response was "in this economy?? Are you crazy? How would I find another job??"
When it came down to it, I told her that based on her response to a simple question she had TWO choices: stick it out because she has the second chance that most people would kill for OR break up with him and find someone closer to home. The reality is simple: he's been in the back of her mind since graduation - why give up on that? She spent years comparing him to other men she's dated and those relationships have floundered because of this. He spent countless e-mails apologizing and admitting that he loved her BEFORE they got re-acquainted. Why give up on it? If there is a will, there is a way and they may have found a way to work things out.
My theory on long distance relationships is this: you can live down the street from your significant other and never see them. You can be living with them and have different schedules. However, living in two different cities forces you to either move along with things and figure out if this person is right for you or try to find someone closer in proximity. It's all in what you make of it - if you spend years with that person in the back of your mind, your answer should be pretty clear.
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right ... has anyone ever experienced this?
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
wanna watch a movie?
About a year ago, an ex-boyfriend called me because he was really upset. He wasn't upset at me but was annoyed with a young woman he was "dating." My ex, an Israeli, told me that he went to this womans apartment to pick her up for a date and she asked him if they could just stay home and watch a movie. He thought this was a great idea but confided in me that he had no idea that anything physical was going to happen.
Fast forward to a few days ago when a male friend of mine asked me what it meant when someone asks "do you want to come over and watch a movie?" My comment back to both of them was "have you been living under a rock???" Granted, I've had the experience of "watching a movie" with someone and actually just watching a movie! However, this is not the norm.
After polling quite a few people (in an unofficial poll) with the question of "what does it mean to you when someone (of the opposite sex) asks you to come over and watch a movie?" most people said "booty call!" or variations of that answer. What I found interesting is that the consensus said there was a difference between the two sexes.
When I asked men if they believe a womans motive is different when asking a man to come watch a movie, most of them said "yes." Those that said yes tend to believe that a woman who asks such a question wants some form of attention - not necessarily sexual. It was their perception that a woman didn't want to share the man with the rest of the world for the evening.
When I asked women about their motives when asking a man to come over and watch a movie, while some said "sometimes a movie is just a movie," most said "sex. I'm looking to hook-up." However, an overwhelming response said that when they asked a guy to come over and watch a movie, they were disappointed when the guy didn't make a move sexually. My response to them was "how was he supposed to know that's what you wanted??"
I make a good point. The difference between the sexes does not lie in what they mean behind the phrase- but rather in their perception of what the ask-ee asks the ask-er.
My ex also asked me why he hadn't heard from this woman in a few days. My answer: she's just not into you. I told him that she likely wanted to see what it was like to sleep with him but that is pretty much all she wanted. His response was "women do that too???" Yes. Women do that too. Men can also be like that but it has been my experience (through talking to various friends) that this depends on the guy.
So, here's my question to my readers: what does "do you want to come over and watch a movie" mean to YOU? (If you want to be anonymous, email them to guide.hlr@gmail.com) Post it here!
Fast forward to a few days ago when a male friend of mine asked me what it meant when someone asks "do you want to come over and watch a movie?" My comment back to both of them was "have you been living under a rock???" Granted, I've had the experience of "watching a movie" with someone and actually just watching a movie! However, this is not the norm.
After polling quite a few people (in an unofficial poll) with the question of "what does it mean to you when someone (of the opposite sex) asks you to come over and watch a movie?" most people said "booty call!" or variations of that answer. What I found interesting is that the consensus said there was a difference between the two sexes.
When I asked men if they believe a womans motive is different when asking a man to come watch a movie, most of them said "yes." Those that said yes tend to believe that a woman who asks such a question wants some form of attention - not necessarily sexual. It was their perception that a woman didn't want to share the man with the rest of the world for the evening.
When I asked women about their motives when asking a man to come over and watch a movie, while some said "sometimes a movie is just a movie," most said "sex. I'm looking to hook-up." However, an overwhelming response said that when they asked a guy to come over and watch a movie, they were disappointed when the guy didn't make a move sexually. My response to them was "how was he supposed to know that's what you wanted??"
I make a good point. The difference between the sexes does not lie in what they mean behind the phrase- but rather in their perception of what the ask-ee asks the ask-er.
My ex also asked me why he hadn't heard from this woman in a few days. My answer: she's just not into you. I told him that she likely wanted to see what it was like to sleep with him but that is pretty much all she wanted. His response was "women do that too???" Yes. Women do that too. Men can also be like that but it has been my experience (through talking to various friends) that this depends on the guy.
So, here's my question to my readers: what does "do you want to come over and watch a movie" mean to YOU? (If you want to be anonymous, email them to guide.hlr@gmail.com) Post it here!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Stick- y
A question was posed of "how important is it to be thin?" In terms of dating... that's a hard question to answer. Every person is different. It's a stick-y situation.
Case in point: A girlfriend of mine is dating a rather thin young man. She isn't known for dating men who happen to be of his physique BUT there was something about him that she liked so her "rule" was broken. Ok, it wasn't much of a rule - more a preference.
Then there is me. I dated a guy while living overseas who, I thought, like the way I look. That was until one day he "jokingly" poked my tummy and said "maybe you should work on this." Needless to say, I was LIVID! Who says that to someone they are dating?? I would never tell him he was too skinny! Most of my girlfriends wondered why I didn't punch him. His words still haunt me to this day ... which is why I was incredibly self-conscious when I started dating someone new. No matter how many times my guy friends would say that I was thin or that I looked hot - I always had this idea in my head that I needed to be thinner in order to attract men. This may be *true* in the Jewish-American culture but in the Israeli-American culture, I found it to be the opposite ... with the exception of that random guy I dated. Most of the men that asked me out would tell me to eat more because I wasn't curvy enough.
Another case in point: a male friend of mine prefers women to have a curvier body, as opposed to being stick thin and ripped. He likes women to be a bit softer and squishier ... but not a bean bag chair. He likes women who have something to grab on to as opposed to the women who are skin and bones. This is his preference. I can't say I disagree with it either ... it also won't stop women like me from doing pilates and crunches to obtain a flatter tummy.
There is also the mindset of finding the one. A person with a de-featest attitude will, more often than not, find themselves without someone. The notion of "I will never find love" has no place in finding love. This also goes with the mindset of "I am too fat to find love." If you love yourself, someone will love you. If you are unhappy with yourself, it is up to YOU to change it.
Men AND women of all cultures, races, and ethnicities find different body types to be appealing.
So, to answer the question of "how important is it to be thin" ... it just depends on the person you either want to attract or the person you have attracted. More importantly - it depends on YOU and how you feel. I have no intention of being on a constant diet for the rest of my life but I do intend to love my body and treat it well. I suggest we all do the same.
Love yourself and someone will love you too.
Case in point: A girlfriend of mine is dating a rather thin young man. She isn't known for dating men who happen to be of his physique BUT there was something about him that she liked so her "rule" was broken. Ok, it wasn't much of a rule - more a preference.
Then there is me. I dated a guy while living overseas who, I thought, like the way I look. That was until one day he "jokingly" poked my tummy and said "maybe you should work on this." Needless to say, I was LIVID! Who says that to someone they are dating?? I would never tell him he was too skinny! Most of my girlfriends wondered why I didn't punch him. His words still haunt me to this day ... which is why I was incredibly self-conscious when I started dating someone new. No matter how many times my guy friends would say that I was thin or that I looked hot - I always had this idea in my head that I needed to be thinner in order to attract men. This may be *true* in the Jewish-American culture but in the Israeli-American culture, I found it to be the opposite ... with the exception of that random guy I dated. Most of the men that asked me out would tell me to eat more because I wasn't curvy enough.
Another case in point: a male friend of mine prefers women to have a curvier body, as opposed to being stick thin and ripped. He likes women to be a bit softer and squishier ... but not a bean bag chair. He likes women who have something to grab on to as opposed to the women who are skin and bones. This is his preference. I can't say I disagree with it either ... it also won't stop women like me from doing pilates and crunches to obtain a flatter tummy.
There is also the mindset of finding the one. A person with a de-featest attitude will, more often than not, find themselves without someone. The notion of "I will never find love" has no place in finding love. This also goes with the mindset of "I am too fat to find love." If you love yourself, someone will love you. If you are unhappy with yourself, it is up to YOU to change it.
Men AND women of all cultures, races, and ethnicities find different body types to be appealing.
So, to answer the question of "how important is it to be thin" ... it just depends on the person you either want to attract or the person you have attracted. More importantly - it depends on YOU and how you feel. I have no intention of being on a constant diet for the rest of my life but I do intend to love my body and treat it well. I suggest we all do the same.
Love yourself and someone will love you too.
She don't like you...
I've taken this from one of my other blogs because I thought this would be helpful. Happy Reading!
Some men will never learn. Within this generation of the Internet/communication savy, some people just miss the point... quite often. Maybe it's that we want to believe EVERYONE will like us if we put our best foot forward, alas not everyone will and not everyone does. Take me for example. On paper I am AWESOME! I am a woman who knows what she wants, knows where she is going, and knows where she has been. I love kids and animals (except snakes!!), would do anything for my friends, and can kick ass- then take names. I dig sports, speak my mind, and enjoy a good puppet show. What the paper doesn't show is that when I get stressed- I don't want to talk about it. If I want to talk about what's bugging me, I will start talking. If you try to coax it out of me, I will get annoyed. If I get annoyed enough, I will not like you. Case closed. The paper also does not show that I have a proven track record of being hot and heavy for about two months until I lose interest. I am terrified at falling in love. The paper also does not show that I mean what I say and I say what I mean. If I like you, I will tell you. If I don't, to spare your feelings- I will show you with signs. Most women will. And they will look like these:
The walk away: If a woman is not interested in you, her body will not be positioned towards you and she will be making her way towards somewhere (or someone) else. Honestly, don't try to box her in- it makes her feel uncomfortable and it makes her like you less. A lot less. Let her go, she just doesn't like you. Do you enjoy being physically chased after? Neither does she. Unless she has to go to the bathroom, if she likes you- she won't walk away from you.
The watch check: Does the object of your affection constantly look at her watch as if she's praying for it to be later? If she was truly interested, time wouldn't matter. Even if she has to be up at 6 AM. The watch check, or any fidgeting motion, shows she wants time to pass faster because she is either bored or has somewhere else to be. Either way, she's not into you.
The cell phone check: We live in the age of caller ID and voicemail. Thank g-d for those. I've been on many dates where I did not want to answer my phone because I really enjoyed the company. Aunt Sally in Nebraska can wait on dates like those. However, in my early 20's, my best friend used to call me a half hour into my date. If I picked it up on one or two rings, she created a story that got me out of the date... quickly. If it took me a while to answer (say 4 rings), it was her sign to call back in another 30 minutes. If I didn't answer at all, she knew it was ok to leave me alone because nothing was getting in the way of that glorious evening. Make sense? If the cute girl your talking to keeps checking her phone, then she isn't checking you out. Move on.
The no call/e-mail back: Some guys (and girls) don't get it. If the person you seek wants you back, they will return your calls... or answer them at least. Ya dig? This one seems like a no-brainer to me. You meet a girl at a bar, get her phone number, call her in three days... if she doesn't call you back in three days- find a new girl. Same goes for girls. You meet a guy, go on a date, he doesn't call within the first three days, call him ONLY ONCE. No call back? Move on. Someone will like you- just not that person.
In an age where we have an over abundance of communicational aides (yes, I did just create a word), we seem to forget the natural signs in dating. If a person truly wants to talk you- they will. If they don't, they won't... and nothing you say or do will change that. Occasionally, you will meet people who will stop at nothing to keep in touch with you- no matter where in the world you are. More often than not, you won't. Happy dating!
Some men will never learn. Within this generation of the Internet/communication savy, some people just miss the point... quite often. Maybe it's that we want to believe EVERYONE will like us if we put our best foot forward, alas not everyone will and not everyone does. Take me for example. On paper I am AWESOME! I am a woman who knows what she wants, knows where she is going, and knows where she has been. I love kids and animals (except snakes!!), would do anything for my friends, and can kick ass- then take names. I dig sports, speak my mind, and enjoy a good puppet show. What the paper doesn't show is that when I get stressed- I don't want to talk about it. If I want to talk about what's bugging me, I will start talking. If you try to coax it out of me, I will get annoyed. If I get annoyed enough, I will not like you. Case closed. The paper also does not show that I have a proven track record of being hot and heavy for about two months until I lose interest. I am terrified at falling in love. The paper also does not show that I mean what I say and I say what I mean. If I like you, I will tell you. If I don't, to spare your feelings- I will show you with signs. Most women will. And they will look like these:
The walk away: If a woman is not interested in you, her body will not be positioned towards you and she will be making her way towards somewhere (or someone) else. Honestly, don't try to box her in- it makes her feel uncomfortable and it makes her like you less. A lot less. Let her go, she just doesn't like you. Do you enjoy being physically chased after? Neither does she. Unless she has to go to the bathroom, if she likes you- she won't walk away from you.
The watch check: Does the object of your affection constantly look at her watch as if she's praying for it to be later? If she was truly interested, time wouldn't matter. Even if she has to be up at 6 AM. The watch check, or any fidgeting motion, shows she wants time to pass faster because she is either bored or has somewhere else to be. Either way, she's not into you.
The cell phone check: We live in the age of caller ID and voicemail. Thank g-d for those. I've been on many dates where I did not want to answer my phone because I really enjoyed the company. Aunt Sally in Nebraska can wait on dates like those. However, in my early 20's, my best friend used to call me a half hour into my date. If I picked it up on one or two rings, she created a story that got me out of the date... quickly. If it took me a while to answer (say 4 rings), it was her sign to call back in another 30 minutes. If I didn't answer at all, she knew it was ok to leave me alone because nothing was getting in the way of that glorious evening. Make sense? If the cute girl your talking to keeps checking her phone, then she isn't checking you out. Move on.
The no call/e-mail back: Some guys (and girls) don't get it. If the person you seek wants you back, they will return your calls... or answer them at least. Ya dig? This one seems like a no-brainer to me. You meet a girl at a bar, get her phone number, call her in three days... if she doesn't call you back in three days- find a new girl. Same goes for girls. You meet a guy, go on a date, he doesn't call within the first three days, call him ONLY ONCE. No call back? Move on. Someone will like you- just not that person.
In an age where we have an over abundance of communicational aides (yes, I did just create a word), we seem to forget the natural signs in dating. If a person truly wants to talk you- they will. If they don't, they won't... and nothing you say or do will change that. Occasionally, you will meet people who will stop at nothing to keep in touch with you- no matter where in the world you are. More often than not, you won't. Happy dating!
Monday, March 24, 2008
starting out...
After much thought, I decided to break down and write about dating. Not so much my experiences dating but more a guide of what NOT to do while on a date, dating, or while in a relationship.
As I write this, I see a blue jay outside my window - which I'm taking to be a good sign. Blue jays are symbolic for communication and power. This seems fitting since I hope to give people the power to communicate better in the realm of love.
Feel free to email me your questions (always confidential) and I'll post my answers to them! Granted, I have no PhD, no masters degree in counseling, but I do have real world experience in the land of dating. That has to count for something - right? I've learned that sometimes when a guy may not seem into you- he really is and then when a womans' body isn't facing you but her face is - she doesn't like you.
The aim of this blog is to decode the language difficulties between men and women. It is also meant to be a humorous guide towards the path of finding love.
As I write this, I see a blue jay outside my window - which I'm taking to be a good sign. Blue jays are symbolic for communication and power. This seems fitting since I hope to give people the power to communicate better in the realm of love.
Feel free to email me your questions (always confidential) and I'll post my answers to them! Granted, I have no PhD, no masters degree in counseling, but I do have real world experience in the land of dating. That has to count for something - right? I've learned that sometimes when a guy may not seem into you- he really is and then when a womans' body isn't facing you but her face is - she doesn't like you.
The aim of this blog is to decode the language difficulties between men and women. It is also meant to be a humorous guide towards the path of finding love.
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